weird stuff

I always wonder about a lot of stupid things in my mind. Just pointless stuff that fascinates me, like when I take my glasses off I equate what I see to what a normal person would see on a computer screen with messed up pixels, or I always try to make sense out of the number plates of cars, phone numbers, id card numbers, roll numbers and every number that I come across, I try to connect stuff like that. Then sometimes, I just sit there, and try imagining time as a solid dimension and feel it passing through my very skin, gives me a creepy feeling that I sometimes like and sometimes don’t, depending upon what I had been doing in the preceeding moments. Sometimes I just lie on my bed late into the night and pray to God to give me a punctuated sleep so the night may seem longer than it does if you sleep soundly. Whenever sitting idle, I try to connect all the sounds around me, I try to imagine them as a part of one symphony played by time and space and almost everytime, I find a rhythm that keeps me occupied.
I wonder about lots of other weird stuff too, but at the end of the day it gets me absolutely nowhere. But I understood one important thing about myself from all the sessions I’ve had with myself, that the more I wonder, the more I am at ease with my own self. Its great to be around so many people, I realized the importance of friends many years ago, but its also extrewmely important to have yourself around you. To live a life where you are not emotionally dependent on any other human.
I know this is something that fundamentally seems impossible but it isn’t. we need to realize that whatever happens, people walk in and out of our lives. Some come closer to us than the others, but that is just state of mind, which is not impossible to alter. Time, as it passes, it alters the state of mind, it takes the effect of people out of it. Only when you stop being emotionally dependent on people can you break free of your little bubble. Otherwise, people, the closer they are, the stronger they bring you down if they do. But Allah has given all of us a parachute, so that when we are in freefall, we can always slow down. If we practice hard, we can even stop in mid air. That is the feeling that very few get to experience. To be able to stop in mid air, to free yourself from all forces, and that too taking advantage of your grief. That is one difficult stunt, but its not impossible. Grief and lonliness, we need to realise are just states of our fickle mind. They are nothing real, just reminders that yes you are alive. Like pain. Pain goes away as soon as you start ignoring it. Like itching, same thing. Like all other feelings that tend to bring you down. They carry with themselves a message, that you can break your fall, and you don’t need someone else to do it.
We should thank Allah that He has given us the ability to be emotionally and in all other ways dependent only on Him. In reality, we actually are, only we fail to realize. And we give so much attention to our own states of minds, that more often than not, give us false answers.
I’ve realized that humans, are all alike, they’re all like me. The only difference is that I can train myself to be always around for me, obviously with the help of Allah. But people will continue to walk in and out. I know, I’ve been downright dejected a number of times because of people, but I know that was a part of the learning process. Relationships, might continue, might end. You cannot waste yourself in hope or despair about people. There’s a lot more to tend to. This world, this universe is expanding, its growing, let’s not make our hearts smaller. Whatever happens, life goes on.